Staffroom
by Bouncebackability
Summary: Teachers have souls too. A different look at the staff as actual human beings at random lunchtimes and free periods
1. Rules and Regulations

Lupin threw himself into the chair by the side of the fire, only taking in the bare minimum of the surroundings. He was sat opposite his old head of year with a low table between them.

"No offence, but the first year Slytherins are a bunch of retards."

Minerva didn't move from behind her cup of coffee. Maybe cup was an understatement; like all members of the teaching profession over years she had become immune to the effects of caffeine and now needed copius amounts to get her fix and she was addicted to the point too little gave her shakes. It was the only way to get through the day. Maybe an intravenous drip would by a better solution.

"Never had the pleasure." She said half-heartedly as she continued to lazily flip through the issue of Witch Weekly on the table in front of her as she lent over it hands still wrapped around the cup unless one was briefly required to change page. This left Lupin to wonder how she had managed to wriggle out of that one. She was the transfiguration teacher, surely she must teach each house in each year, at least in the lower and upper school.

"Thick as shit – but they are quite entertaining" he smiled as he said that.

"Why Lupin, if I didn't know better I'd say you just complimented the Slytherins." Flitwick offered from the opposite side of the wall. He was precariously balanced on a tall three legged stool attempting to attach something to the mass of paper which constituted the staff room notice board.

"Don't tell Snape, he'd never let me live it down. Seriously though I asked them what a stunner might be used for and one person offered that it would make someone 'fit as Ronan Keating'. I wouldn't mind, but they were not joking. And trust me, after the company I kept as a teenager I can spot sarcasm at 20 paces."

"If only that spell existed in real life." Minerva dreamily said, flicking over the page of her magazine, still bent over.

"Where is our darling potions master anyway?" Lupin queried after surveying the staffroom quickly, the three of them were the only teachers about. No Sprout, Sinester, Vector, Trelawny or anyone else for that matter.

"Course - somewhere in Suffolk. You're covering his last period today, seventh year." Flitwick squeaked trying to lower himself from the high stool which wobbled precariously below him. Occasionally he made a grab for the wall, even though there was nothing to grab onto. He looked positively reviled as the chair settled down and heaved a sigh of relief, before looking around embarrassedly and decided to cut his loses; gingerly climbing down from the stool.

"As in seventh year NEWT potions?" Lupin shouted across from his saggy chair.

"That would be the one, yeah."

"Would this be a good time to mention that my highest ever mark in potions was an A and I promptly dropped it at the first possible opportunity?"

"Works set, copying from books. Trust Severus to give something stimulating. All you've got to do is sit at the front and ensure they don't blow anything up." Flitwick said with cheesy grin walking over to one of the unoccupied chairs around the table. He knew Lupin didn't want to give up that free period, he also knew the werewolf had limited choice in the matter. If Flitwick was looking after the first years he was no way going to also give up last period. That much was obvious, even to Lupin who was relatively new to the teaching scenario.

"Fantastic" Lupin deadpanned, pulling out his pack of ciggies from his pocket.

"Ah-a-a-ah" Minerva said, finally looking up from her magazine and leaning over some more to pull the fag from his hand. "Are you going to tell him or shall I?" She shouted over to Flitwick who was sat next to her on a saggy chair. He was so tiny his feet didn't touch the floor, in fact they didn't even bend and stuck out at an odd angle.

"Tell me what?" Lupin said, suddenly weary of the whole situation.

"That the castle is now a no smoking area."

"You're jesting me?" Said Lupin, grabbing his fag back from McGonagol's fingers and inserting it into his mouth. With his silver looking zippo lighter in front of it sparking as he tried to light it. He got the lighter for the wheeze. No one knew how much of werewolf folklore was genuine and how much the product of the propaganda machine. He wasn't going to reveal if he was allergic to silver or not, he'd never say what the lighter was made of. But it did seem to alleviate some of the paranoid superstition he thought people levied on him. If he held something that looked like silver he obviously wasn't a werewolf.

"No, that was always your department Remus. But seriously, it's Dumbledore's new rule"

Lupin, who always had some bizarre respect for Dumbledore put his fag back in the pack and shoved them into his robes. He knew from the start she wasn't lying. He wasn't kidding when he said he could spot sarcasm from a mile off, but he was in that stage of sweet denial where he could pretend it doesn't matter.

"No nicotine?" He said.

"My seventh years can get you some smack if you threaten them with suspension" Flitwick offered.

"A cigarette will do fine" Lupin said.

"Yes, but you'd have to inject it because smoking is banned-."

"-In the castle. I know, I know"

Suddenly his face lit up, "Smoking is banned in the castle…but the grounds are not the castle." He said with a sly grin.

"You are not seriously considering smoking in front of the pupils?" Minerva asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You'd kill if your caffeine was removed…without nicotine I am liable to kill the third years, especially if I have to tell them one more time that Punkyfish is a muggle clothes label and not a variety of hinkypoof. This is simply about saving the school from some embarrassing headlines."

"Granted, although it could be funny to see what angle Rita Skeeter takes".

"Not for me it wouldn't, thanks very much" Lupin said in tones of mock outrage.

The bell went. As a collective the teachers all exhaled. "Back to the blighters" Flitwick said jumping from the chair. Lupin seemed to sink right back into his chair before lifting himself back out, almost as if he wanted it to eat him. Minerva on the other hand downed the coffee in one and refused to take her eyes off the magazine until the very last minute.

The teachers exited the staffroom almost in single file, each clinging onto masses of work to their chests.

"See you in an hour and 40" Minerva said.

Lupin pulled out his tongue at her, a movement he would not even have contemplated as much as a month ago, "If you survive, haven't you got Harry and Malfoy now?"

Minerva gave a shudder and walked off, never replying to that comment. Everyone knew that the seventh year Gryffindors and Slytherins would no doubt decapitate each other any day soon.

They just hoped it wouldn't be on their shift.

* * *

**Have a little bit of crap, I think I might do a few of these, just unrelated lunch breaks. Just a little diversion while I write the next chapter of Imposter. This has been up once but took it down and banned me for a week because of the language in it. I think it was unfair not even to have a warning, so it's back with a pg-13 rating - even thouhg i think that is harsh. If you reviewed last time will you please do so again. Thanks. **

**Got the inspiration for this from Teachers. Great show that. **


	2. Red tape

Snape walked in, slammed the door and didn't even look at anyone in the room to start his monologue. If he had actually cared; among the usual piles of NEWT coursework, dirty coffee pots and random notes slapped to the overcrammed board at the end of the room he would have noticed that he was actually totally alone.

The 4 saggy chairs around the low orange coloured wood table in front of the fire were empty, as was the kitchen area to the corner where usually the staff could be found making as much coffee as was physically possible to get them through the next period. The size of some of those mugs was alarming, even Hagrid would struggle to finish the contents. But somehow the Hogwarts staff had a miraculous ability to consume vast amounts of liquid as long as it contained some kind of stimulant.

"They are so patronising. I've been teaching for 14 years for God's sake" whinged Snape going over to the kitchen and getting his own mug out before violently throwing a tea bag in it.

"I know how to take a register, I know what the marks are and I know how to give a detention and discipline them. What kind of fool wouldn't?"

He grabbed the spoon as if it was the throat of a particularly cocky Gryffindor and dipped it into the sugar pot, putting far too much in. Not that he cared, he was stressed and he had the bloody Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs next.

"Spent 6 hours locked in a room and learnt nothing."

He filled the cup with water which he heated with his wand. He wasn't waiting for a kettle to boil.

He took the mug and walked over to the notice board.

_Please can someone referee Slytherin vs Gryffindor on the24th June? I'm away on the "It's the taking part which counts..." course, Holly_

That could be interesting, not that he favoured his own house, but he always felt the decisions went the other way in their matches. Wade's tackles weren't that reckless and how did anyone know if grabbing an opponents broom was banned if no one had ever seen the rules. He took a deep gulp of his tea and turned his attention to another.

_If a student is ill during lessons send them to the hospital wing. DO NOT let them go back to their dorms until they have seen Poppy. We have had a few incidents this term of pupils faking illness or the genuinely ill suffering through as they think there is nothing that can be done. I am sure you will agree this is not beneficial to the running of the school. Minerva_

"Bloody mothering them." He said about the note, desperately trying to take his mind off the waste of a day he had had. God knows how many essays he could have wrote instead of listening to that drivel.

He couldn't blame the kids avoiding the hospital wing. Poppy wasoverly fussy about their needs. Anyway learning to struggle through wasn't such a bad thing. It builds character.

_Cover for Severus – 27th Feb_

_First Period – Minerva - First year Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw- copy out pages 146-9, answer questions on the board. Homework is to finish all set work. Radcliffe essay deadline is Friday. Please Remind them. _

_Second Period – Fillius - First year Gryffindor and Slytherin – as above._

_Third Period –Remus - Seventh year NEWT – Read chapter 7 and summarise, be able to do method for Whitefield potion from memory for Thursday's lesson. 1500 word coursework on Polyjuice due on Monday. _

Snape looked over the last bit again…Remus? As in Lupin? God, he was useless when they were at school together, he only just passed his OWL and was never seen in a potions lab afterwards. And the seventh years? Their exam was coming up. Hell knows how far he could have set them behind. He knew nothing buthe always was the arrogant one. Always thought he could do anything.

The first years he could understand at a push, first years were deeply stupid, it wouldn't matter if the teacher was the same. But the seventh years? Hell, they would no doubt know more on the subject that Lupin. He was going to kill Flitwick when he got his hands on him, in all honesty he'd probably trust Filch teaching them more than Lupin.

He downed the remainder of his caffeinated beverage and stormed out the room, slamming the door so hard behind him that the room shook.

He never did realise he was talking to himself in there.

* * *

Please read and review.

I got some great emails and reviews for this from people who seem to have the mistaken impression that teachers get put away in the cupboard at the back of A14 when the bell rings at 3.45 and don't have personaility or lives. My mum and my pseudo-mum are both teachers, and I find it humerous when they come in from work and tell me stories of what kicked off that day and what they really think of the kids. I also work with teenagers, meaning that I am used to the face you put on in front of 35 kids and the sarcastic comments you make when you get home because Jade is a lovely girl but you wish just occasionally she'd be a little quieter.

Now i feel like some comments to reviews (because I care).

**LupinLover88 **- Ahh, the caffeine addict is a rare being, but from my experience with them they tend to develop their obsession in the early years of uni and work, as it dawns on you that you are a grown up and that means responsibilty and actually putting effort in. By this point you've stopped growing so you can still be tall. I know Lupin is different to the way he is in books, but we have never seen him with peers really, smoking is bad for everyone but they still do it, so why should being a werewolf stop it. Probably means he's more likely to smoke due to the stress and thinking that lycanthropy is going to take him out anyway. I can picture Lupin swearing, not in a drunken Scotsman style but the occasional curse. Look who he assocaited with at high school.

**Duj **Thank you for the best compliment in fecking ages. I hate people saying I'm an adult, to me it's the biggest insult there is. But it doesn't alter the fact that I am. I can drink, smoke, get married, drive, have sex, vote...I have paid a mortgage, got my GCSEs and A levels, moved out of home and I have a job. I don't think the characters sound like teenagers, they sound like the people I know who are teachers, although I appreciate they are out of character this whole series is based on the fact that people are different when relaxing with their peers. (Incidentlty, I think you should watch Teachers, which this is based on. Go on amazon and buy series one or two.)

**Liz W** Teachers is a comedy show in the UK, it was shown on channel 4. If you have the chance I really recommend it. It was always slightly surreal, but by the last seris (series 4) it had gone stupid. I have a confession to make...the best line in this story was nabbed straight from it. It was originally said by Kirk the IT teacher to Susan the head of year.

**ooXXHPFANFOREVERXXoo****Paige Halliwell**Thank you so much for trecking from the Mugglenet chat room. You rock. Incidentally for anyone else lurking in those parts my name is Bouncebackability, Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin or Packed-itbooked-itfecked-off. Feel free to say hi.

And to everyone else THANK YOU. Especially those of you who said you were teachers. I was thrilled with the number I got. I really appreciate them.


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